A (Sort of) Love Letter to Adrien Brody

Dear Adrien,

Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man of Mine

I flat-out bawled when I saw you in The Pianist. I cheered aloud when you won your Oscar. I wished I was Halle Berry when you accepted it. Sometimes, I even dream of your perfect nose. What I’m trying to say is that I thought you and I had a good thing going.

Why are you doing this to me? And by “this,” I mean Splice.

Look, I’m willing to you give another chance. You’re the youngest winner of the Best Actor Academy Award ever. Act like it, goddammit.

With love,
Roxanne

P.S. Feel free to pass this note on to Halle Berry. I think you guys have met.

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