So I read on CNN.com earlier this week that there are online support groups for people who are too depressed to go on living here on Earth now that they’ve seen the wonders of Pandora.
I think it’s pretty clear that I am no great fan of James Cameron’s morality cartoon Avatar. And I do hate to beat a dead horse…but you have got to be kidding me! Who are these ridiculous losers? Maybe they should stop posting in the chat rooms for long enough to look around at the completely amazing third rock from the sun that we call home.
To all of you feeling the blues, I offer up this list of top 5 reasons why Earth kicks Pandora’s ass:
5. Unlike on Pandora, not every living creature thinks that you’re lunch.
Earth has some pretty astounding flora and fauna – from the hummingbird that “sings” by flapping its lovely wings so fast that you can hardly see it move to the lean and graceful impala with its long curly horns. If it’s the visual wow that you’re after, you might be surprised to know that Earth’s creatures come in bright colors and great big sizes too. If you can ever leave mom’s basement you might want to try a visit to Tanzania, the Australian outback, or Costa Rica to take a peek. Heck, even the local zoo would do.
4. The N’avi would make a piss-poor Colors of Benetton ad.
Here on Earth, people come in shades of peach, pink, olive, copper, brown, even so black they’re almost blue. There’s nothing like seeing the contrast of those gorgeous hues when you hold a friend’s hand or throw your arms around the neck of the one that you love.
3. Earth girls are easy.
Did you see how hard Jake Sully had to work to get a little action from Neytiri? And he was 10 feet tall with rippling muscles and Sam Worthington’s face. What do you got, fanboy? On Earth, even this guy can get some action. (No offense, Geoffrey Arend, but your wife, Christina Hendricks is a goddess.)
2. No matter how hard they try, the N’avi will never hear a wolf cry to the blue corn moon or ask a grinning bobcat why he grins. You know as well as I do that Vanessa Williams beats Leona Lewis any day of the week.
And the number one reason why living on Earth is better than living on Pandora…
1. Earth is fucking real.